The MANual - the complete man's guide to life

by
Mick Cooper & Peter Baker

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Extracts from The MANual

Introduction

Sex
Relationships
Emotions
Work
Violence
Health
Fatherhood

Resources

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Reviews

"A practical, highly readable guide"
Men's Health

"Now there is a book that talks straight to the Nineties Man. It's called The MANual and it explores some of the central issues facing males today. Whether you're a new man, a macho man or a man who behaves badly, this book will speak to you"
The Express

"A hugely readable book and a stark mirror for men in the nineties. Every chapter uncovers aspects of ourselves we didn't even know we possessed"
Nick Fisher author of The Pocket Guide to Sex and 'agony uncle'.

"Rather than push some minority line, pet theme or new chauvinist solution, it takes men as a whole and as we are. A first-class guide"
Phillip Hodson author of Men: An Investigation Into The Emotional Male and psychotherapist.

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Ordering

The MANual - the complete man's guide to life
published by Thorsons, an Imprint of HarperCollins.
ISBN: 0 7225 3318 7

Price: UK £7.99; USA $15.00; CAN $14.95

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UK

Available from your local bookshop

or

Call Thorsons' 24-hour mail-order line on 0141 306 3349 (quoting ref 76V) with credit card details.

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Worldwide

You can order The MANual from Amazon.com for delivery anywhere on the planet.

There's been a lot of talk about men recently: 'new men', 'wild men', 'new lads', 'wild lads', 'post new-men', even 'new post-men' (well almost) ... The list goes on and on. It gets confusing; and it doesn't seem to have got anyone very far. Which is where The MANual comes in. This book puts together in a practical and down-to-earth format the central issues facing men in the 90s. Its central theme concerns the social and psychological pressures many of us still feel to be 'real men'; how these can limit our lives; and the paths along which we can discover many new, different and enjoyable ways of being men.

If we compare men's lives to a game of soccer, it seems that many of us are like players who have learnt to kick the ball with only one foot and in only one direction. This doesn't allow much opportunity for creative play, let alone goal scoring. We'd obviously stand much more chance of success if we could play flexibly, using both feet (and maybe our heads too) and passing the ball wherever we like. This book is a kind of training manual for us to improve our skills - not for soccer but for life. It isn't a guide to becoming the perfect man; it's about how we can open up those aspects of ourselves we too often hide, combining the best of the qualities traditionally associated with being male and female. In this way, we can become sensitive as well as strong, gentle as well as assertive, intimate as well as independent. It's about how we can become 'complete men'.

The book starts with a look at the characteristics of the traditional real man - that tough, powerful but cool individual who copes with any crisis, makes love to any woman and, ultimately, conquers all his foes. He's Arnold Schwarzenegger, Clint Eastwood, Richard Gere, James Bond, Richard Branson and Captain Kirk all rolled into one - an absurd image, perhaps, but still one with a tight grip on the male psyche. We will search for his origins in the primaeval swamps and caves and explain how he has been able to survive for so long, despite now being well past his sell-by date.

The MANual then explores seven key aspects of men's lives: emotions, relationships, sex, violence, health, work and fatherhood. In each of these areas, it examines how our struggle to live up to the ideal of the real man has affected and constrained us. The book suggests how we can begin to take a fresh look at ourselves, as well as the people around us. In any situation, a man doesn't have to be satisfied with the automatic knee-jerk response of the real man - or, in computer-speak, his 'default' programme. Instead, he can learn to ask himself, 'What choices do I have here?' or 'What's the most appropriate response?' In other words, a man doesn't have to do what a man's gotta do, but can decide to do what he thinks and feels is right for him. This apparently simple step, as we shall see, opens up a vast number of exciting, challenging and, at times, frightening possibilities.

Sex poses no problems for the real man. There's been no looking back for him since he lost his virginity well before puberty. Ever since then, he's been a virtual sex machine, bedding women at will and giving each and every one the orgasm of a lifetime. For most of us, however, sex simply isn't like that. It can be fun, of course, but there's also plenty to worry about. We may well be having problems with coming too soon, or with getting it up, and we might believe another couple of inches on the end of our wedding tackle wouldn't go amiss. But if we can acknowledge our worries and vulnerabilities about sex and start to talk about them with our partner or friends - or perhaps even a therapist - we can begin to improve our sexual self-esteem and to enjoy sex even more. Realizing that almost all men share similar anxieties can be a particularly big help - it's both reassuring and provides the basis for men to share their experiences and support each other. The complete man understands that really good sex is primarily about learning to become more intimate, sensuous and relaxed and that his status as a man doesn't depend on his performance in the sack.

bashing the bishop

Virtually all men masturbate. Despite the best efforts of the Victorian churches and medical establishment to persuade men that it's dirty, immoral and unhealthy, over 90 per cent of men now 'beat their meat' regularly, on average 15 times a month. There can be few of us left who still believe that masturbation makes us mad, bad, bald, sterile, blind, impotent and homosexual, or causes hairs to sprout on the palms of our hands.

However, although irrational fears about masturbation have largely waned, it remains a taboo topic, tinged with shame, secrecy and the image of the dirty old man in a sleazy raincoat.

You won't find many men in your local bar who'll say, 'Guess what lads, I had a really good wank last night!' That's probably because masturbating, when it comes down to it, tends to be seen as a sign of sexual failure and a poor substitute for the 'real thing'. Basically, if a man has to resort to his right (or left) hand, it signifies that he's not 'getting it' enough and that puts his 'manliness' seriously in doubt. After all, it's hard to imagine Tom Cruise with a tub of Vaseline in one hand and his penis in the other.

It's a shame this attitude is still so prevalent. Not only because it isn't true - Shere Hite's survey found that over three-quarters of men who had sex every day still masturbated at least once a week - but also because it can inhibit men from looking at some of the more interesting possibilities for masturbation. Not only can masturbating be highly enjoyable, it can also be a means of sensual and sexual exploration. And, of course, when it comes to HIV, sex doesn't come much safer.

Men tend to masturbate in the same way each time - whether it's the traditional 'hand job', the 'rubbing up and down on the sheets', or for some contortionally gifted men, 'self-fellatio' - but masturbation can be explored by trying out different techniques. If we always made love in the same position, we'd probably get bored, so why put up with it when we're making love to ourselves? We can try stimulating our penis in different ways, or touching different parts of our body (as in the sensate focus exercises), experimenting with different lubricants, or even trying a vibrator. As well as being exciting, all this self-exploration can increase our awareness of what we want when making love to someone else. It's also possible to buy an artificial vagina - even a blow-up doll complete with blinking eyes and multiple orifices - although most of these toys are about as sexy as a plastic elephant! Resources

A real man doesn't have a problem with relationships, mainly because he doesn't have any. He's a loner who trusts no-one. Take Superman. He can't get really close to his friend Lois Lane because he feels he can't reveal the single most important detail of his life (his double identity). Even when he meets up with other super-heroes, they spend all their time beating super-villains rather than chilling out with a beer and discussing the heavy burden of responsibility they carry for saving humanity.

However, it's virtually impossible to flourish and develop as a man without a wide variety of intimate and loving relationships with both women and other men. That closeness enables us to share ourselves and learn about others, but without giving up our own needs or identity. This requires honesty, openness and being assertive while learning to see women without the stereotypes of sexism and men without the fear of homosexuality. If we can develop better relationships with both men and women, we'll be well on our way to being complete men.

may the best man win

What do you think when you first meet another man? You might notice that he's got hairy nostrils or dandruff, but you'll probably quickly - and often quite automatically - run through a mental checklist to see how he compares to you. Is he stronger and tougher? Taller, shorter, balder, better looking? Is he dressed more expensively and fashionably? Is he funnier, more charming, more intelligent? Could he be better at his job? When we first encounter other men we often see them as competitors rather than colleagues or potential friends - we're scared that we won't be respected unless we're as manly as them.

Most competition between males, however, tends to be fairly subtle. After all, we don't want to look as if we're too desperate to prove a point. So if we're trying to match another man in the virility stakes, we're unlikely to climb on to a table and start jerking ourselves off. instead, we might try to win women's affection by putting him down in female company, or impressing women with how much of an intelligent, humorous or new man we are. Sometimes, even we are not aware of just how competitive we're being. All that's felt is a vague discomfort and jealousy when another man appears to be doing better than us, and a certain satisfaction when we know we're doing alright.

Competition can often be a significant feature in male/male conversation. Mickey-taking and banter can be entertaining, but at times they reflect a hidden power struggle. Competition also stops men talking intimately with each other and sharing their fears and weaknesses. If we don't want to feel inferior to another man, we're unlikely to start telling him about our relationship problems or our misery at work. Instead, like any good soldier, we'll put up defences to ensure that he doesn't find our weak spots. After all, if he's the enemy how can he be trusted? For all we know, he could take our secrets and use them against us.

If we're feeling competitive with another man, one thing we're unlikely to do is to start complimenting him - even if we secretly think he's doing well. Criticizing him is of course a lot easier but this can lead to a vicious circle. We put him down, so he feels inadequate about his masculinity, which motivates him to return the favour by putting us down, which then makes us want to put him down even more. If we were instead more honest about his achievements, it could well give him a more secure sense of identity, and he might then feel less afraid of being positive about us.

Building up more intimate male relationships, either with current or new friends, is rarely an easy process. It requires taking some risks - talking about our emotions, our vulnerabilities or even our feelings towards our friend - though there's no need to spill our guts on the first evening. We might get further, moreover, with someone who's also interested in developing closer male friendships. Expecting a man like Clint Eastwood to become our bosom buddy overnight may not be too realistic - especially if we've just tried spending four hours revealing all about our penile warts. Resources

Emotions - we can't live with them and we can't live without them. They're scary, unpredictable and uncomfortable.They're also exciting, challenging and often simply wonderful. We can try to repress them yet we know they're always there, ready to surface as soon as we let down our guard. We can understand, value and even enjoy our emotions far more, however; once we allow ourselves to take the risk of talking about and expressing them. Acknowledging and accepting our feelings is an essential first step to better self-knowledge, and sharing them is central to getting closer to others. Of course, real men must always be as cold, hard and unfeeling as a baseball bat; they are not distracted from their mission by feelings - falling in love, a touch of the blues, guilt or fear would only get in the way. But complete men are able to combine, and balance, the strength and resilience of the traditional man with a new vulnerability and sensitivity. lt's an attractive, if not irresistible, possibility.

there's an emotion in there somewhere

Fortunately, it's becoming increasingly acceptable for men to express their feelings. Just think about how unremarkable it seemed when Andre Agassi wept after he'd won the Wimbledon tennis championship in 1992. Being more honest with ourselves is a crucial first step in this process and there are several specific techniques we can use to gain a deeper insight into our emotions.

• Keep a diary: write down what happens to you and how you're feeling from day-to-day. Try to explore what prompts particular feelings.

• Change the way you talk: encourage yourself to be more emotionally open with friends and lovers. Use the word feel rather than 'think' when you're talking. Also try to talk in the first person ('I') rather than the more abstract 'we'; 'one' or 'you'.

• Reflect on your feelings regularly: stop yourself in the middle of the day and ask yourself 'How am I feeling right now?' The answer may be 'bored', 'OK or 'not much', but practise being as honest as you can. Be aware of any 'shoulds', 'oughts' or 'musts' in your head that are luring you into misreporting your feelings.

• Spend time with people who accept your emotions: we often hide our feelings because we believe sometimes quite accurately, that the people we're with will tease and humiliate us if we show fear, sadness or joy.

• Write an 'open' letter: be totally honest about your feelings to a friend, partner or even to yourself. Get it all out - at the end of the day, there's no obligation to send it off.

• Try to let go: go with your emotions the next time you feel them welling up, rather than trying to hold them back. It may even mean bursting into tears when you are watching Oprah. Little by little, see how emotionally expressive you can allow yourself to be. Perhaps start on your own - it'll then be easier when you are with a partner or a close friend.

Whatever he does, the real man at work exhibits a potent combination of strength, bravery and power He doesn't worry if his job takes up too much time, he's not bothered about whether his job is unsafe and he certainly doesn't lie awake at night wondering if he might prefer working with children or animals. For most of us, of course, it's not quite that simple. If we're in work, we probably worry about our job security, our prospects, whether our work is good or appreciated enough, whether we're working too hard or maybe not hard enough, or even whether we're doing the right job in the first place. If we're unemployed, we might worry about ever getting another job. Employed or not, we could be aware of a yawning gap between where we think we should be - successful, rich, powerful - and where we feel we actually are. Any of us might therefore find it useful to take a step back from work and reflect on whether it's really meeting our needs.

If we're honest, does our work satisfy us? Is it really what we want to be doing? Are the physical and emotional demands exhausting or invigorating? Would more flexible working arrangements be better? And what about our work at home? Do we believe we're doing a fair amount of housework or would our relationship, if we have one, be strengthened by more active involvement? Given the amount of time we spend at work, getting our relationship to it right could be one of the most important steps we can take towards becoming a complete man.

the times they are a changing

It used to be easy for men - full employment was virtually guaranteed and a sense of masculinity and power could be derived from work. Men still want their masculinity confirmed through work, but that's no longer so easily achieved. As well as the risk of unemployment, men face job insecurity through the short-term contract, increased competition from women and the decline of the traditional heavy industries with their demand for hard physical labour Employers now require staff with more 'feminine' skills such as teamwork and communication. If we're working in a fast-food restaurant, the boss wants us to be friendly and pleasant to the customers, not to terrify them by pulsating our pectorals. And with women now making up about half the working population, men can no longer see themselves as the sole family breadwinner.

These changes can threaten men but they also create new possibilities for us to review our working lives. Perhaps more than any of the other issues discussed in this book, work offers a powerful incentive for us to look at ourselves and to consider the opportunities for personal development. For a start, simply to survive, the modern worker has to find ways of accepting the reality of change and of learning to adapt to it. Trying to stand against it is to behave like King Canute - at the very least, our feet will get wet; at worst, we'll end up completely submerged.

Embracing personal development means much more than acquiring new and specific skills, such as learning a new computer programme, double-entry book-keeping or how to conduct an interview. Many employees are now expected to learn quickly and flexibly, reconcile conflicting demands, discover new solutions and, perhaps above all, communicate effectively. These are personal skills that can't be learnt from a book or a flip chart. Rather, staff need to be able to discover, and then put to use, their own latent strengths and to broaden the range of their potential responses to new challenges. This involves identifying, and overcoming, the habitual and perhaps rigid or ineffective ways in which we've traditionally handled problems. Outdated attitudes to working relationships - including an inability to delegate and an authoritarian approach to management - are common limitations shared by many of us.

Being able to work effectively with women - both as colleagues and as people above and below us in the hierarchy - is particularly important. Although many men, especially if they're older or working in traditionally male-dominated professions, still treat female staff as if they belong to an almost alien species, it's a simple fact that more and more of us will be working alongside women whatever job we do. If we try to ignore them, freeze them out, unfairly criticise their contribution or spend our time sexually harassing them, then ultimately we'll be the ones who lose out. We'll be judged incompetent, inefficient, uncooperative, oppressive and dispensable. Resources

We all know what the real man's like when it comes to violence: he's tough, fearless and decisive as well as fair, just and merciful. Of course, in reality most violent men fall far short of the ideal of the 'noble warrior'. Their violence is essentially a means of being in control - who you can beat up you can dominate, whether it's another country, another man, a woman, a child or even a dog. But while not all men perpetrate violence, almost all men are affected by it. It influences how we hold our bodies, how we perceive other men how we talk to them and how we measure our own self-worth. We all live with the knowledge (and, for many of us, the fear) that at some point we'll have to fight to prove ourselves. Men who are violent can take steps to change, however - there are now effective anger-management techniques any man can learn. Instead of trying to get what we want through aggression, we can take steps to become more assertive - in other words, to ask and negotiate rather than just take. This requires improving our communication and relationship skills. The complete man realizes that his value as a human being is not determined by the size of his fists or his ability to injure or kill. He knows that a growing sense of personal empowerment will enable him to become a truly assertive yet also peaceful man.

unilateral disarmament

Dealing with our violence against other men, women or children isn't easy. Even if professional help is sought, it still requires great commitment to break through old patterns of behaviour. However, if we are determined to end our violence, there are several positive steps we can take for ourselves.

• Keep an 'anger diary': every day, write down details of any situation in which you felt angry or felt you could become angry. Describe what sparked off your anger and assess how strong the feeling was on a scale of 1-100. Write down what you did - for example, you may have hit someone or smashed something. Finally, note down any thoughts about how you could have handled the situation without violence. The idea behind the diary is that you'll be able to better understand the causes of your anger and the kind of situations in which you become angry. You'll also be able to identify alternative courses of action and monitor your progress.

  Take 'time outs': this involves deciding to take a fixed period of time (usually 60 minutes) away from your partner or child when you recognize that you're becoming angry. Tell them about your decision beforehand and when a situation arises, tell them that you are going to take a time out Then leave the house - perhaps go for a walk - and return at the agreed time. When you return, try to work out the problem calmly. If you get angry again, agree to leave it to one side until another time.

  Follow the '6-feet rule': in a situation where you feel you're going to become violent, make the decision not to go nearer than 6 feet from the other person. At this distance, you can't hit them.

  Avoid situations in which you know you're likely to get angry or violent: this may mean cutting down on your drinking or maybe not going to football matches on a Saturday afternoon.

  Avoid depersonalizing: notice how you think about people when you get angry with them. You may, for example, think of your partner as 'a bitch' or your child as 'a little sod'. When you are angry, it could help if you continue to call them by their real name - the more human they seem, the less likely you are to be violent.

  Be assertive: learn to ask for what you want directly rather than having to demand it through violence. Talk as openly as you can about how you feel. At the same time, be ready to listen to the needs and feelings of others. Be prepared to negotiate - you may well be able to get some, perhaps even most, of your needs met without violence.

Health doesn't concern real men. They can smoke, drink, take drugs, stay up all night and eat junk food without even getting so much as an upset stomach. They're as likely to get ill as Arnold Schwarzenegger is to have a baby. Although he may spend hours perfecting a body made up of slabs of taut muscle, the real man probably knows less about a healthy lifestyle than your local fish and chip shop knows about a low fat diet. But men don't have to die young in ignorance. Good information is now widely available - all that needs to change is our attitude. If we can begin to realize that we don't have to prove we're a real man by ignoring and neglecting our health, we can start to get in touch with our body and listen to what it's telling us. This may be uncomfortable at times - it may mean playing squash is off the agenda while we're getting over flu, deleting burgers from the daily menu, checking our testicles for lumps and even asking for help when we're ill. But as complete men, we'll have a better sense of our body - we'll no longer see it just as a collection of separate parts - and we'll also be healthier and able to enjoy our life for longer.

the big C

One of the least-known health problems men can face is a testicular cancer. In fact, it's the most common of cancers in young men and is the fourth most frequent killer of men aged 15-34 - those who least expect to be hit by serious illness. About 1 male in 450 can expect to develop it. Those at greatest risk are men who've had an undescended testicle - the risk is even higher if both testicles failed to descend. No-one is exactly sure why, but testicular cancer has become much more common in the last 50 years. One theory is that environmental pollutants and foodstuffs (particularly cow's milk) containing oestrogen have affected the development of the male while still in his mother's womb.

There are two main types of tumour - a seminoma (which mostly affects 30-40-year-olds) and a teratoma (mostly affecting 20-30-year-olds). The affected testicle is almost always removed but seminomas are usually also treated with radiotherapy and teratomas with chemotherapy. Chemotherapy can be used for seminomas if the cancer has spread beyond the testicles. The loss of one testicle doesn't affect a man's physical ability to have or enjoy sex, but there may well be a temporary or long-term loss of fertility. Sperm banks can be used to store sperm before treatment.

The good news is that testicular cancer usually responds well to treatment, with over 90 per cent of men surviving in cases treated early. Removed testicles can also be replaced by often undetectable silicone gel implants which, unlike earlier implants, do not have the unfortunate quality of floating in the bath. Many men, however, through embarrassment, fear, squeamishness, ignorance or sheer self-neglect put themselves at greater risk by waiting too long before seeing a doctor. About half of all cases are undetected until the tumour has spread to other organs. Even if this does happen, however, the outlook can still be good.

Because the sooner a testicular tumour is diagnosed, the more likely a cure will follow, it's a good idea for all men to carry out a regular monthly self-examination.

It only takes a minute or two, and it could end up saving your life, Here's what you do:

• Wait until you've had a warm bath or shower The heat relaxes the testicles, making them easier to check.

• Support the scrotum in the palm of the hand and note the size and weight of the testicles. It is common to have one testicle slightly larger or hanging lower than the other but any noticeable increase in size or weight may indicate that something is wrong.

• Examine each testicle in turn. Using both hands, gently roll the testicle between the thumbs and fingers. Normally testicles have a smooth surface. Check for any lumps or irregular swellings. Also, check for any change in firmness.

• Don't mistake the epididymis for an unusual lump. This is a large irregular structure which stores and transports sperm. It lies along the top and back of the testicle, feels like a small bag of worms and can be readily separated from the testicle in a warm bath.

• Apart from a lump, other warning signs can include a general sensation of heaviness in the scrotum or a dull ache in the lower abdomen or groin. Few experience sharp pain in the testicle, but this can still be a symptom. Occasionally the tumour produces hormones that cause the breast to swell or feel tender.

• If you do notice a problem, don't automatically assume the worst - there could be many other explanations - but do arrange to see your doctor as soon as possible. Your testicle will be examined - a procedure that's not normally even uncomfortable, let alone painful - and if there's anything suspicious, you'll be asked to have an ultrasound and a blood test.

Any man looking through his scrapbook of male heroes is unlikely to find many who have much to do with children. They may end up protecting or saving children - as Arnold Schwarzenegger does in Terminator 2 and Commando - but mostly they're too busy fighting the enemy to play with Meccano or macrame. Most men looking to their own past for paternal role models are likely to find a man who may not have been away fighting but was more than likely to have been absent working: Despite all the talk of the 'new father', it's still all too easy for men to fall into the traditional role of being distant and uninvolved with their children. But is this what men really want? Do we want to have the same relationship with our children that our father had with us? Can we do better? Being an active father raises so many questions about our role as men that perhaps it's easier for us to try to forget them. However, those who have tried to become more involved by thinking seriously about whether they want to have children, by being supportive during pregnancy, by being at the birth and by maximizing their opportunities for spending time with their children find it a positive and rewarding experience. Parenting is never easy or free of stress, but it can bring the complete man in touch with a range of emotions - unconditional love, wanting to care and nurture, joy - that he's seldom if ever, been aware of.

daddy

For many of us, happy memories of our father may be few and far between. Maybe we remember the excitement when he came home from a work trip or a sense of closeness when he taught us how to kick a ball, but beyond that, our father was often the parent we never knew. During the day, he was probably out at work, and in the evenings he may well have been either too tired to play with us or too keen to have some time for himself. The time we did spend with our dad may well have lacked the intimacy we had with our mum. Few boys kiss and cuddle their father as freely as they do their mother. Our dad may have been the person we'd avoid when we'd done something wrong, rather than the person to whom we'd tell our secrets or problems. For many of us, even now, dad remains a shadowy figure, uneasily lurking in the background at family gatherings or slumped in an armchair watching television. Given that the majority of one-parent families are mother-only, some of us may not have known our father at all.

It's argued - predominantly by American mythopoetic writers - that the distance between a boy and his father can chronically arrest a male's psychological development. Because fathers are emotionally 'unavailable' or absent, boys lack positive role model to guide them towards male adulthood. It's suggested that, consequently, many men have problems 'growing up' and developing a sense of themselves as responsible, independent adults. On the outside they may have beards, beer guts or balding pates, but inside they still feel as insecure and uncertain as spotty teenagers. And, when they do act mature and manly, it's not because they feel confident about being an adult, but because they're desperately trying to cover up the fact that, actually, they don't know what they're supposed to be doing. It's also suggested that this lack of a paternal role model forces men to look towards media images of masculinity as a way of filling the gap.

Men who have started to look at their feelings towards their father often discover a deep well of grief, or anger, for the paternal love and intimacy they never had. Consequently, they've realized that, deep down, they've been longing for their father to 'return' and give them all the fathering they've missed out on. So long as they're doing this, however, it's hard for them to take full responsibility for their own lives. If this is happening - and we may not know it is until we start to examine the relationship - it's important to explore this sense of dependency on our father. Accepting that our dad will never provide for us the love we've always yearned for can be very painful. But it's often only through grieving, and accepting the pain, that we can emerge as an adult in our own right. We might need to grieve for all the hours we expectantly waited for him to return; the instances when he put us down or pushed us away; the times when he ignored us scolded us, beat us or even sexually abused us.

Until we explore these feelings, it may be very difficult to relate to our father on an adult-to-adult level. If we still long for him to parent us, or if we're angry with the way he treated us as a boy, these emotions may stand in the way of a closer relationship with him in adult life. We may well not even want to take the risk because of a deep-seated fear of rejection -after all, it happened before. If we start to examine our feelings, however, we may both deal with the grief and realize why he behaved as he did. It may be that he was straitjacketed into the masculine role just as we are - probably even more so, given how much more rigid gender roles were when he was growing up. Moreover, there may well have been many positive things our dad did give us and these will become increasingly apparent as we accept our negative feelings towards him. Resources

The authors, Mick Cooper & Peter Baker would be grateful for your comments both about the book and this site.